The Power of Love, and Learning to Let Go: Berry, RIP

It is always so difficult to say goodbye to an animal friend, and even harder to figure out how to write about it and how to write about the power of that connection, a connection that exists far beyond the physical body.
Berry's heart and mine are inextricably intertwined.  I know that we learned so much from each other, about love, about trust, and about letting go.

Berry arrived at BARC Shelter the day before Hurricane Sandy hit.  She had been rescued from the same back yard as my cats Natalia and Lulu (I often referred to her as their sister), and it was evident from that first day that she was feral and, if anything, even more fearful than my cats. She was put at a cage way in the back of the shelter where she would have more privacy and would have a chance to calm down.  She was originally named Barracuda - a name which I refused to call her, so I soon decided her name was Berry, and others at the shelter began to call her that so that was the name that stuck.

 Above, before and after: Berry when she first arrived at shelter, and then about a year later.

As you can see from the "before" picture on the left, Berry was initially very distrustful of any human being.  She was fearful and angry, lashing out at anyone who opened her cage.
However, I always felt that with faith, love, patience and positive energy, this could change. 
I began by simply sending her Reiki from outside her closed cage.  I also spoke to her a bit, but very softly.  I did this for several sessions, then I decided to see if I could touch her with a back scratcher, which would give her a lot of space.  I just did one or two TTouches on the top of her head, then closed the cage and gave her a break.  I continued doing this over the next sessions and one day she began to push back up against the back scratcher.  It was then that I knew we were making progress and that I had felt that opening, that opening where our energies and our hearts could meet.
Over the next days, weeks, months, we made steady progress.  I made sure to just go a little at a time with her, and we kept moving forward.  She started to be comfortable eating from her bowl, which was at the front of the cage, while I was TTouching her with the back scratcher.  So it wasn't too long after that before I started to be able to touch her a bit directly with my hands.

I was feeling she was actually enjoying the contact more and more, and she started responding to me when I would walk back towards her cage and call her name.  She would look up and start to come towards me. And over time, she would actually come trotting to the front when she saw me and I called her name.
As time went on, I was able to have more and more contact with her, and I showed a few of the other seasoned volunteers how to do TTouches with her gently with the back scratcher, so that she could slowly get used to other people having contact with her.  And she slowly became comfortable with that.  When someone came to the cage with the green plastic back scratcher, she knew that they were going to gently stroke her with that and that was something she enjoyed. 
As the time passed, Berry was not only transforming behaviorally but physically. As the beauty of her true personality came forth, it manifested itself in her physical appearance as well.  A couple of people who came into the shelter who had not seen her for some months did not recognize her as the same cat!
She had also had an awful problem with what initially seemed like a constant cold, but later was found to be a nasal polyp, so once that was removed, she seemed to feel a lot better.  And that was great to see.
Berry and I were so close, our hearts so connected.  I know that she trusted me.  Even when she was more comfortable with me, I would go slowly, not wanting to frighten her or overwhelm her, wanting to be respectful of her.  We knew each other's energies so well.  I would connect with her with Reiki and TTouch and we felt like one being, merging in a flow of light.

Recently, I wanted to get to another level with her, and so I started luring her onto my lap with treats.  She took to this very well and one day she came completely out on my lap, which you see in the photo.  First she had put two paws on my lap, then three, then there she was, sitting on my lap!

She was a bit startled at first, but it was understandable.  She was realizing that there were cages and animals above her, and was seeing all around and feeling the concept of that openness all around her.
I saw her look above and around, and it was such a beautiful feeling - I felt it too, her having that feeling of the world expanding, opening up.  The open air, outside the bars of the cage.  I wanted to stay in that moment with her forever, her on my lap, feeling completely connected with her like one being, in that moment.  Feeling that expanse, that openness, like we were surrounded in light together.
A week ago, when she turned around I noticed a huge raw sore on her back, and also noticed her pulling at her skin other places.  It looked bad and I was disturbed by seeing this, so I told the shelter people right away and they were going to have her looked at.  It actually brought to mind my first cat, Timmy, who had surgery for breast cancer and was ok for a good while after that but then began breaking out in skin lesions.  But at the time I wasn't thinking that Berry had anything life-threatening going on.
So it was such a shock when I got a call from the shelter that the vet had looked at Berry and found that she had a huge mass, which was moving up towards her lungs, and as a result had euthanized her.  Apparently she had also gotten weak and was not breathing well.
It was so hard to hear this, to accept this.  That this creature who had been alive, active, seeming to feel ok just a few days ago had been so ill??  I consulted my dear friend and colleague, animal communicator Eileen Garfinkel (http://dreamsofamelia.com) to see what we could learn from Berry.
Apparently Berry had hidden her illness.  She didn't want me to know how sick she was, she knew how stressed it would make me.  Berry wanted me not to be sad, she wanted me to know that she was fine, she was at peace now.  That I helped her to be ready to transition.  That she knew how much I loved her, that I had given her so much pleasant time, that I had helped her to change deeply, at a molecular level, and that I was her person.
I miss her so much, but she is still with me, curled up inside my heart. And I thank her for teaching me so much about the power of positive energy, the power of unconditional love, the power of appreciating the moment, and about how to let go.
And thank you to my dear BARC friends for all the kindness you showed her.
xxoo
(please feel free to read more about my work with Berry, type in "Berry" on the Lijit Search on the right hand side of my blog and the links will appear)

From Fearful Feral to Comfortable and Friendly: The Transformation of Berry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Berry is a feral cat who was rescued from the same back yard as my two cats, Natalia and Emmylou, and brought to BARC shelter, as they were.  I am sure that both her feralness and the fact she seems to be related to my two has helped me to feel such a special connection with her.

She has come such a long way!  When she arrived at the shelter, just before Hurricane Sandy, she was absolutely terrified.  She would hide at the back of her cage and hiss, swat, and sometimes try to bite when approached. 

I began to work with her VERY gradually.  My first few sessions with her were extremely short.  I would send her Reiki from outside the cage, then open the cage and stroke her a couple of times with the back scratcher, then close the cage again.  I would try several sessions a day of this.  I would always talk to her, too, in a quiet, friendly voice, expressing how happy I was to see her. 














After a while, I was able to do TTouches with her with the back scratcher for longer and longer periods of time.  She began leaning into the back scratcher and over time, when I would approach her cage and say hello, she came forward in her cage to greet me.   She would often start eating her food in my presence, as I continued to TTouch her with the back scratcher.  I found that while she ate, she seemed to be very comfortable as I did little circular TTouches and zigzag motions with the back scratcher along one side of her back, then the other, sometimes crisscrossing from one side to the other..

At this point, sometimes she would get confused between play energy and affection, sometimes starting to swat at the back scratcher.  I tried to keep the sessions short, giving her breaks, to hopefully avoid getting to the swatting point.  And, over time, this has really paid off as well.  I do advise people not to stick their hand straight towards her (generally a good tip, as that can be too scary, especially for rescue animals), but to kind of approach her more from a diagonal, touching her first on the back of her head or side of her body.. 
 
 
 
 














Now other volunteers can approach her and pet her with the back scratcher as well, and she is extremely responsive to it, rubbing into it.  When she sees the back scratcher, she knows that something that feels good is about to happen, so she will often come forward in her cage even with a less familiar person.  Last week one of the shelter people who had not seen her in a while didn’t recognize her because she was calmly sitting at the front of her cage.
















And, over time, I have also been able to have more and more direct contact with her, which has been an incredible experience.  I have found that by incorporating the calming energy of Reiki and the TTouches, it has helped to calm her energy.  So sometimes I still will start out by touching her with the back scratcher with TTouch circles and strokes, but then very quickly am able to transition to using my hands.  But the past week or so I am more often comfortable with approaching her directly with my hands.   She still is having some issues with upper respiratory (being treated with medication and nutritional supplements), so she has been especially responsive to raccoon TTouches on the center of her forehead, which seems to help relieve her sinuses, and the TTouch ear strokes (there are acupressure points in the ear that affect the respiratory and digestive systems).  TTouch does not replace veterinary care but it can help the body to be in optimum balance so that it is able to heal more effectively.

Often in the process of doing the TTouches she will just lay down with her head resting at the edge of her cage, as you see here.  She also probably would come out on my lap, but we aren't doing that, at least not yet, because we don't want her to get frightened and get loose in the shelter.
















I still will give her breaks when I think she needs them, during which I may just sit and continue to send her Reiki, and I can see her relaxing into the waves of energy.  Or sometimes I will really give her a break, walking away for a bit, then returning for more. 

It warms my heart so much to see her respond to me calling to her by coming right to the front of the cage, kneading her paws in anticipation.  And I am honored to feel such a loving, trusting connection with her - that she feels comfortable enough with me to trust that she is safe with me.  It feels like energy waves of love that pass back and forth between us as I work with her.
Thank you Berry, I am so grateful to be on this very interesting journey with you and it is beautiful to see you so much more at ease and getting so much enjoyment out of contact with people (and she seems to be interested, rather than fearful, of the other animals at BARC as well).  And thank you to the staff and volunteers at BARC Shelter, thanks so much for all you do for the animals, and thanks for being so kind to Berry and to all the animals there. xo

Update on Berry: Getting Closer!

Berry is a gorgeous young little cat, apparently feral, who was brought into BARC shelter right before Hurricane Sandy.  She actually was rescued from the same backyard as my two cats who I adopted from BARC, Natalia and Emmylou.  And interestingly enough, she does somewhat resemble Emmylou! 
Of course, the combination of where she came from and the fact that she is so fearful have both helped me to feel an especially endearing bond with her.
She was terrified and quite sick when she was first rescued, and it has been so heartening to see both her behavior and her health improving.  When she first arrived, she would swat and hiss when approached.  I have worked with her very gradually, doing TTouches on her with the back of the hand part of a plastic back scratcher.  Sometimes now I can transition to touching her directly with my hand, but I just do that for short amounts of time, as she still can get easily overstimulated.  I have shown a few other regulars at the shelter how to work with her, and she has been making very steady and noticeable progress. 

Now instead of staying in the back of her cage, most often she will rest in the front of her cage, watching everybody with interest instead of being afraid.  She will come to the front of her cage for a treat from other volunteers, and easily will come to the front of her cage to get to her food and water bowls, and will eat in front of other people, whereas before she would be hesitant to do this.

One of the huge changes that has happened recently is that when I approach her cage and say "Hi Berry!" to her, she comes to the front of the cage, kneading her paws and rubbing her face against the front of the cage.  She also does a little hello meow. 

Little by little she is beginning to trust me as well as some of the BARC staff and volunteers.

Now that she is feeling better, she also wants to play.  Like many ferals who are in the process of becoming less fearful, she can get confused between play mode and cuddle mode and sometimes swat. So I have started working with two back scratchers so that if she starts playing with one of them, then I can stroke her with the other.  I also give her frequent breaks to avoid her getting overstimulated.  Over some time, this way of working gently will influence a cat's behavior so that they will learn to play with a toy and not with your hand, while they are also getting more comfortable being touched.  When it feels safe to do so, I slide my hand down the back scratcher and do TTouches with my hand, keeping the second back scratcher ready to show her to use if she starts to want to paw at something.
Her whole expression and look on her face has changed as well - so beautiful to see!!
Love you Berry! and look forward to seeing continued progress with you.  And thanks to one and all at BARC shelter for showing her and all the animals such kindness.